Creativity, the curse & the sickness

I am cursed. My heart is beating to the point of dull pain. I feel pressure in my chest, just behind my sternum. Sometimes I have trouble breathing. I feel a burden. A burden to create, grow and get better as a designer, better as a business person. To be a better father to my two sons and a better husband to my wife.

I am a selfish. I think about creating, designing, growing a business, consuming podcasts and audio books; soaking up as much information as possible to make me better every day. I think about this stuff while I am with my family. I feel anxiety when I am with my family. Why? Why am I not working right now? Why am I not using every waking moment of the day to grow as a designer? Why am I thinking about design right now when I am with my sons? Why do I think about them while I am designing and yet when I’m with them think about design? Will they be designers? Why can’t I turn this off? What kind of legacy will I leave? So much pressure.

This is my life. This is my curse. This will be the death of me. This is creativity.

I read design and tech blogs, check twitter, check dribbble, see people younger than me that are rich, famous and have 1000s of followers online, an audience. I am nearly 31. I am done. I feel depressed. I will never get better.

I think about my meetings tonight. Proposals are due, I have a podcast to edit and design revisions to make. I want to finish my personal project. I didn’t get enough done today.

I think about this first post on Medium, is it good enough? Am I good enough? Should I quit this field and get a job in construction? Would I be able to not be a designer? How much of this is B.S. vs how much is real? Am I a crazy person? Am I making this up? Will anyone read this? Will anyone feel the same?

This is my curse. It is my blessing. It is my desire to achieve my dreams and yet still not be satisfied. This is my life. This is my curse. This will be the death of me. This is creativity.